Recovering from cancer surgery emotionally

For many months after my surgery ,  when I was back up and working I started to feel different emotions.  Some were very troubling some just sadness.  I think I went through the steps of dying between surgery and after.  I was angry sometimes wanting to know why I was sick then other days I would realize  that this is for a reason, I see everything in a different light now.  Family comes first I had several friends who I worked at the same hospital before the show job which is actually pretty strange that we all got cancer!!  But couple of them were not doing very well and were getting chemo, radiation and even transplant.  I felt so helpless. I went to see one of them who has little kids and was there for her first chemo.  I put on a brave face for her but deep inside I was scared and sad for her and also thought what if I get worse… after I left her at the hospital I was pretty upset and just sat in the car crying…. I had no medicine, no chemo or radiation. It was removed and now we wait and hope to beat the statistics…for now every 3 weeks I was checking my tumor marker levels and had cat scans to keep checking for new tumors.  Then waiting for results…then  it was every 6 weeks and that was even harder.  I was done with work end of march and decided to take a break from cat scans. Last one I had there were issues with my veins and got stabbed in both arms and one vein blew so blood was running down my arm.  This was the worst scan and most painful.

Some call these feelings survivor’s guilt, not sure what it was but it was not pleasant.  I cried many times and thought I can’t plan for my distant future because nothing is for certain anymore for me.  What if  I get worse and not see my kids graduate high school and college or get their first job and serious relationship?

I want to leave something behind for my boys and my husband, something they can be proud of, so I work hard on acting, writing and filming to make something they can have after I am gone.  I worked all through my first year of cancer because I had no idea how much time I have left but most of all I was surrounded by a my show family and make belief world which helped me in healing and forgetting my illness, and hugs also were very nice to get!!  I am also on a search for my new happy place…sunny and healing place to go to and keep healing my body and spirit.

And so every day I am healing…..