Living with social anxiety disorder
What is it like to live with Social Anxiety Disorder?
Living with social anxiety is not fully living at all. Unfortunately it is a hard thing to deal with and if lucky overcome. I have had this as long as I remember and do not think it will ever gets much better or goes away. It is hard to explain to others who do not know anything about it. I will add a link so you can read all the clinical description. For me it limits what I can do. It is a hard thing because I would love to be very social, but this thing limits me to just staying to myself. Some people will think that I am stuck up or a bitch but they have no clue what I am going through. I get nervous in social interactions. I want to talk to people and joke but there is a panic attack brewing just thinking about just talking to others. Sometimes if I get the courage it comes out all messed up. I just give up and walk away. People think I am rude or antisocial because I cancel on meetings and fun events all the time I say yes then can’t get out of bed. It feels terrible to miss out on life. When I am behind the camera it is easier because I see the situation and as a director I control it to where I am comfortable personally. When I am in front of the camera it is also scripted or sometimes improvised but I can pretend to be stronger and more confident even though I may be terrified.
When I was younger I was all sort of a mess…I did not know how to act appropriately in many situations. Had hard time starting conversation or continuing it, small talk is hard for me always. I could not eat in front of people for the longest time, did not want to make noise with my mouth or get food all over my face. Severe fear of being looked at while eating it would turn very ugly. In middle school I was very uncomfortable going into the lunch room and it was a major battle from just getting food from the hot station, finding a seat with people I know to actually putting food in my mouth and once I was so stressed I wiped out in front of the entire school! In high school it was little better I left school often with my sister to eat off campus without permission I believe…or ate in the classroom somewhere hidden. I just got more creative as I got older but even in adulthood I am very self conscious and very nervous to eat in public or even with people I know. Another major problem I had was actually driving to new places and unfamiliar areas, I would cancel most of the time due to anxiety or to avoid the attack itself. It gotten better a little when I just had to drive frequently to sets and new locations I started to actually enjoy it but I was still very nervous just less attacks…only few cancelations and sometimes never gotten out of my car. Now best way for me to explore California is to take different jobs just to see new areas. It is not easy but I try to fight it daily so I can function and my kids have their strong mom. This new area of anxiety well since texting, social media etc. came out. Many times with the technology these days I use texting to communicate instead of calling and speaking to them. Texting is easier to use because they don’t hear me struggle to find words but texting is permanent so many times my emotions take over and I can’t verbalize what I am trying to say and it usually comes out very badly and not correct. Sometimes I can never fix it and I loose friends over this shit. It would be so much easier if I did not have feelings because they get me in too much confrontation and cause lots of misunderstandings. This is the hardest one to overcome or get better at dealing with.
How do you guys deal with this? How do you keep going?
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/social-anxiety-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353561
